


Collision

by X_WantedCriminal_X



Category: My Chemical Romance, frerard - Fandom
Genre: Escape, Hate, Imagination, Love, M/M, Mental, My Chem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-04-04
Packaged: 2018-01-08 05:49:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1129074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/X_WantedCriminal_X/pseuds/X_WantedCriminal_X
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <img/>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>S U M M A R Y</p>
<p>Frank works in a comic book company with his best and only friend Gerard. Everything goes smoothly and good for Gerard but the same thing cannot be said for Frank's life.</p>
<p>Frank starts to hate his vicious circle of a life and slowly becomes addicted to his imaginary life that he built to escape it. Soon he starts to live in his imagination and ends up in a worse situation.</p>
<p>In his imagination, he has the best boyfriend any guy would ask for with emerald green eyes, long, dark hair and pale skin. He is in a band with his perfect boyfriend. Also, he can kill people and get away with it.</p>
<p>Simply, his imaginary life consists of all his unachieved goals and dreams.</p>
<p>Warnings: boyXboy sex, strong language, violence.<br/>Disclaimer: I don't own the famous people in this story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confusion

_He kissed my lips passionately for a while before pulling away and smiling softly at me from above._

 

_"I love you." He whispered, the soft smile on his beautiful face widening. He was the most beautiful person on this earth. I smiled back at him just as widely._

 

_"I love you too." He climbed off of me and laid next to me on the bed instead, his arms immediately wrapping around me. I sighed contently and cuddled further into his arms._

 

_"Goodnight, my love." He whispered into the darkness as I fell asleep in our safe and warm embrace._

 

I woke up in the middle of the night, cold and alone. I sat up in bed and tried to look around for him in the darkness.  **Where is he!? Did he leave me!?** Panicked thoughts started to fill into my head but then it hit me... **Wait...He can't leave...**  It hit me so hard that I felt like a ton of bricks were on top of my lungs, making it impossible to breath for me. **...Because he was never even here to start with.**

 

I sighed deeply as all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I turned to look at the electronic clock that sat on top of my bed side table. The annoying, green LED lights read 04:00am. I had three hours to kill until I had to start getting ready for work. At the thought of going to work, I sighed yet again. Everything about work sucked, except for one thing. Gerard, my best and only friend. We have known each other since we were only kids. A small smile tugged at the corner of my mouth, almost like a twitch, as I remembered the times we used to play in our backyard.

 

I decided trying to go back to sleep since I couldn't think of anything else and I laid back down on the bed. For about half an hour I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I told myself I wouldn't do it, again and again but something inside of me was craving for that. It was literally an internal fight with myself, half of me screamed  **Don't even start with that stupid thing again! It'll only break your heart more!** , and the other half of me screamed  **Go on! Do it! It's what you need, it's the only way of you falling back to sleep, back to peace...**

 

The latter one of the voices in my head was haunting me, replaying itself over and over in my head. I couldn't help but listen to it, it was right, imagining him really did make me fall back asleep.

 

_"What's wrong baby?" He asked me, his angelic voice immediately calming my sobbing self down. He sat up on our bed and wrapped his arms around me, his long dark brown hair tickling my bare shoulders._

 

_"I-I... I had a terrible nightmare." I told him in between sobs._

 

_"Oh, my poor baby. Don't be scared, I'm here honey." He shushed me and rubbed my back soothingly. He pulled me backwards, laying us both down back to the bed._

 

_***_

 

_When I woke up, he was already awake. The bright sunlight that was filling our room made his green, emerald alike, eyes stand out. He smiled sweetly at me when he saw I was awake._

 

_"Good morning, baby!" He greeted me cheerfully and situated himself so that he was straddling my waist. His lips instantly locked with mine. He kissed me with so much love it made my heart flutter. His hands slowly trailed lower and lower on my already-naked-from-last-night body. I giggled at how eager he was already._

 

_"Mr. Iero!" He screamed surprising me. I giggled again._

 

_"Oh, are we roleplaying, now?"_

 

"Mr. Iero! You are late again!" I shook my head and looked around shocked.  **Oh my god. When did I come here?**  My boss looked absolutely pissed and I silently hoped that I haven't said my last sentence out loud.

 

"I-I'm sorry Mr. Harris." I choked out, still in utter shock.

 

"Mr. Iero, if I were you, I'd make sure that didn't happen again." Mr. Harris talked sharply, intending and succeeding to scare me. I nodded mutely in response and walked towards my desk hastily. Gerard, whose desk was just next to mine spoke up as soon as he saw me.

 

"Frankie! You are late... Man, I was worried." He said as I put my bag on my desk and opened it to take out my sketches. I sighed.

 

"I know. You didn't need to worry." I told him, like I wasn't still in shock.

 

Instantly, a suspecting frown formed on his face. He shot me a worried glance, confusing me. I looked down at what I was wearing to see if it was what was so out of the ordinary and worrying but I soon found out I had worn exactly the same clothes from yesterday. I picked up the mirror which was situated on my desk to have a look at my face. Surely, my face looked horrible.  **Well, this is probably why he's so worried. I can't blame him though.**

 

A deep shade of purple decorated just under my eyes, I looked much paler than normal and my hair was sticking up in different directions. I sighed at my reflection, I looked like a zombie.

 

"...Are you ok Frankie?" He finally asked. I sighed again and put the mirror back into it's place.

 

"No." I told him honestly and quite simply. His facial expression changed from worried to extremely worried.

 

I sat down on the uncomfortable office chair and took out my latest, unfinished sketch to complete it.

 

"Look, we can go grab a coffee after work and talk. Oh, also, I'm not taking no as an answer." He told me in his signature serious tone. Really, that tone sounded like he had sucked helium into his lungs, but I ignored the hilariously funny sounding tone. It was clear that I wasn't in my mood.

 

"You didn't give me any other choice so..." I said half-heartedly.

 

Work wasn't out of the ordinary until after lunch. I felt so sleepy that I was on the edge of passing out. The worst part was that I knew if I passed out, I would be waking up in a whole different place. I plugged my headphones to my laptop to listen to music, it was the only way to keep me awake.

 

I managed to stay awake until the end of work but since I had promised Gerard to go to the coffee shop with him, I had about one more hour to stay awake.

 

"You were awfully quiet today." He told me as soon as we got out of the enormous work building. "Tell me Frankie, you know you can trust me." He added making me sigh.

 

"I know... It's nothing." I told him trying to sound as confident as possible to hide my lie, forgetting I was talking to Gerard who knew me probably better than myself. He groaned in frustration, presumably because he could easily tell that I was lying. We entered Starbucks which was just around the corner.

 

_I was drenched in sweat from head to toe and the adrenaline running through my veins was almost strong enough to make me feel dizzy. He was looking right into my eyes as he sang. I wanted to look into his eyes more but I had to focus on my guitar since my solo part was approaching._

 

_Even though I was so caught up in my solo and the music, I could still feel him watching me. His green orbs that I love so much were shining with sheer excitement. The audience was going crazy, screaming uncontrollably but I could still hear my rapid heartbeat in my ears._

 

"Frankie! Are you even listening!?" Gerard yelled making some of the people around our table to turn and look at us.  **When did we even got our coffees?**

 

"Huh? I-I am." I lied again. He sighed.

 

"You really aren't ok. God Frankie, please, just tell me, please." He partially begged me. I wanted to shut my mouth, just ignore him but I couldn't stand seeing that bitter look on my best friend's face anymore. Completely unintentionally, I found myself spilling almost everything to Gerard.

 

"I hate this, ok? That is the problem. I hate my fucking life. It's only a huge pile of dirt, a vicious circle of work and home. There, I said it! Are you pleased now?" I asked him and instantly regretted it.  **He was only trying to help. He didn't deserve my entirely out-of-place outburst.**

 

My confused mind was playing with my actions again. I never wanted to tell Gerard my problems and also, I never wanted to put the hurt look he wore, on his face. He looked extremely shocked and hurt.

 

I groaned and covered my face with both of my hands.

 

**Fuck...**


	2. Hopeless, or rather...

"No!" I kept whining, even though Gerard said nothing could change his mind. He shot me a sharp glance, that clearly said 'shut up'. I couldn't just shut up and let him treat me like a baby though.  
  
"I said, I'm staying at yours tonight Frank. That's the final decision." He said as we kept walking down the street, towards my apartment. I felt anger boiling in my system, taking all the control over my body and a huge frown formed on my face.  
  
"I'm not a fucking baby! I don't need you!" I screamed at him. As soon as I realized what I said, my eyes widened and I regretted what I did for the second time that day.  
  
He stopped dead in his tracks his eyes widening too. "G-Gerard, I-I didn't mean it like that!" I told him, trying desperately to cover for my mistake. Even though I knew he was sensitive about that subject, I still brought it up. Horrible thoughts were running through my head, confusing my already fairly confused mind. He was still frozen on the spot but I knew that awful flashbacks were paying in his head. **What if he walks away from me now and never talks to me again!?** My eyes widened again and I panicked. There was _no way_ I could survive without him!  
  
"Gerard..." I tried again but he was still frozen. I felt like crying because of my stupidity. I reached out my hand and softly placed it on his shoulder. When I saw it didn't work too, I wrapped my arms around him whispering "I'm so sorry... Gerard..." With my extremely genuine apology, he shushed me and wrapped his arms around me. Relief washed over me in an instant as I felt him pull me into a warm embrace. We were in our own world, having our moment but I could still feel some people on the street were looking at us.  
  
"Help me Gerard." I begged him, my voice shaking and my tone made up of pure hopelessness. His arms tightened around me, protecting me.  
  
"I will." He whispered.  
  
 _"Frankie, are you ok?" I heard his silvery voice fill in my ears. I was on the couch, the warm waves from the fireplace softly caressing my cheeks.  
  
"Huh? Yeah, I'am. Why?" I asked. He was sitting next to me on the couch, holding my hand.  
  
"It's just that..." He trailed off and shrugged. The worried edge to his tone was making me worry too. "I think you just zoned out." He said, changing his tone from worried to fake cheerfulness and put on a fake smile that didn't impress me. **What the hell...?** He sighed  contently, never letting go of my hand.  
  
"I love you Frankie." He confessed, looking right into my eyes, like he always does when he says those words.  
  
"I love you too." I told him, meaning it even though I was a little confused by his unusual behavior. I sighed too, closing my eyes because I felt so sleepy. Before I could actually fall asleep, I heard his soft voice again.  
  
"Frankie..." He said my name so softly it made me want to smile so hard but I was too sleepy to move. _  
  
"Frankie..." He said again. I turned to look at him but when I saw Gerard holding my hand and whispering to me on the couch instead of him, I had the biggest shock of my life. Not that I didn't like him to but I seriously wasn't expecting to see him.  
  
"You fell asleep on the couch, do you want me to take you to your bed?" He asked me lightly, in his caring tone. I nodded, confusion dawning on me yet again. He helped me to my bed and laid next to me, he was already dressed in his pajamas that he always leaves at my house for when he stays over.  
  
As soon as he laid next to me, a huge wave of panic washed over me. **Did I tell him everything!?** I tried my best to remember but the last thing I could remember about him was him promising to help me. **Did he help me?... I don't think so. If he had I would remember it.** It didn't take me long to realize that if I didn't ask him I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again.  
  
"Did I tell you...?" I found myself asking bluntly, my voice being the only noise in the dark and silent room.  
  
"Huh? Tell what?" He asked.  
  
"... The... You know... I-I..." I panicked even more and it was probably evident in my voice because I felt Gerard scooting closer to me and wrapping his arms around me.  
  
"Just tell me Frankie, what is it?" He whispered into the darkness.  
  
Half of me seriously just wanted to open up to him but the other half of me stopped me from doing it. I wanted to open up to Gerard, get it off of my chest, because I knew that Gerard could help me. If someone could help that someone could only be Gerard. I knew it but I was scared. Something in me held the words back, told me to shut it and just tell Gerard it was nothing. I was scared that Gerard would think I was insane... Or maybe worse, he would make me go to a therapist. I would never do that. _Never._  
  
I felt myself sweating and I wished I had never asked the question to start with.  
  
"Come on, it can't be that bad." Gerard told me. I could hear the sympathy in his tone clearly.  
  
 **Sooner or later he'll learn anyway.  
But what if he really sends me to a therapist?  
But he's my best friend. He wouldn't make me do something I don't want to do...  
What if he says it was for the best and won't listen to me?  
And what if he hates me? No he wouldn't, not for that.  
But it's so risky! Don't! Don't tell him!  
But he will learn anyway!**  
  
"Ugh!" I shouted in frustration, forcefully peeled his arms off of myself and sat up in my bed. He followed suit, turning the bedside lamp on while doing so. "I'm confused ok!?" I continued.  
  
"Ok, ok honey. I know. It's ok, just calm down." He tried his best to sooth me and succeeded in it as he always does.  
  
"Ok, ok I'm ok." Thankfully I managed to calm down faster than last time. I'd regret it so badly if I accidentally said something that could hurt Gerard again.  
  
He wrapped his arms around me again, making me relax on an instant.  
  
"Ok. Now, will you tell me what's wrong?" He asked me catiously.  
  
I looked right into his eyes, made myself forget about all my worries and opened my mouth, ready to tell him whatever he wanted to know.  
  
"I'm confused Gerard. I can't remember... Anything. W-what happened? You were going to help me? Did I tell you anything? Did I explain it all?" I whispered, burying my head into his neck.  
  
"You really don't remember? I-I don't understand... You didn't tell me anything, just as I was about to ask you, you fell asleep. I didn't want to disturb you because I knew you lacked sleep and just assumed you could tell me tomorrow."  
  
"Oh..." Even if I was ready to tell him, I was glad I didn't need to. **Tomorrow is going to be a really hard Saturday.**  
  
"You'll tell me tomorrow. Don't worry about it for now, just relax and sleep, ok?" His caring tone made me feel so special and even made me relax. I nodded and we broke away from each other.  
  
As soon as my head hit the pillow I felt my eyes closing. I really did lacked sleep.  
  
"Goodnight Frankie." He whispered right into my ear and I fell asleep in his arms.  
  
 **If you only knew that I'm not just hopeless, but also helpless...**


	3. Perfect Life

_He whispered soothing words into my ear as I cried into his shoulder._  
  
 _"There's a huge h-hole in my h-heart!" I sobbed. His muscled arms tightened around my small frame as he tried his best to shush me._  
  
 _"Tell me baby, just tell me, what opened that hole in there? Huh?" He asked me for the millionth time, his voice giving away his own tears._  
  
 _"I-I don't know! I just don't know!" I choked out._  
  
 _Suddenly and unexpectedly Gerard burst into our room, looking like he'd just ran a marathon to save someone from death. As soon as he saw us though, his facial expression changed into an expression of despair. It all happened so fast and I was so confused, Gerard didn't even belonged to the world I was currently in._  
  
 _"Oh Frankie... I didn't know..." He said, his eyes filling with tears._  
  
 _"W-what? I don't understand Gee... I-I don't even..." I shook my head, showing just how confused I clearly was, with my tone._  
  
 _"I thought I was the only one for you but... But now I see. I see that I had been wrong... So wrong. Goodbye Frank. Goodbye." He told me, his tears silently streaming down his face, making the moment all the more dramatic._  
  
 _"W-wait Gee! Where are you going?! No, don't leave me! Gerard!"_  
  
"Gerard!" I screamed and sprung up. It didn't take me long to realize it was just a bad dream. **But it felt so real.** My heart was beating so fast, my eyes were wide, my breaths were erratic and my body was drenched in sweat as the door to the bedroom flew open, revealing a panicked Gerard behind it.  
  
"I thought I heard you scream, are you ok Frankie!?" Gerard asked me. The sunlight coming from the windows of my bedroom adorned his worried face and the smell of fresh coffee coming from the kitchen filled in my nostrils.  
  
"I'am ok. J-just a bad dream, I guess."  
  
Gerard smiled a little and walked towards me, wrapping his arms around me immediately, knowing just what I needed. He had always done that since we were kids... He always knew what I needed.  
  
I sighed and tried to relax into his arms, his familiar scent comforted me but I just couldn't get the idea of losing him out of my head. I felt tears making my eyes sting but I held them back, refusing to cry in front of him again.  
  
"I love you Gee. Don't leave me." I whispered to him.  
  
He gasped and squeezed me, saying:  
  
"I love you too Frankie, so much. I will never leave you, don't you ever even think about that." The emotional intensity of that moment was just too much and I couldn't take it anymore. The tears were burning my nose and my eyes so badly that I couldn't hold them in anymore. I let my tears fall silently for a while holding the sobs in this time, in hopes of crying unnoticed.  
  
However, Gerard noticed I was crying no matter how hard I tried. He instantly got into the bed next to me and wrapped his arms around me tighter. He rocked us back and forth, caressing my back with his hands as a painful and loud sob finally escaped my throat. I hugged him back, clutching him close to me and digging my fingernails into his t-shirt-clad back, as if my whole life depended on him. **My whole life really depends on him.** I felt such amazing, intense and strong emotions radiating off of him but I was so fucked up to let those emotions bring me peace.  
  
More and more sobs echoed in the room, Gerard kept his tight grip on me and rocked us for a little more until my heartbroken sobs came to an end and I was left shaking in his arms.  
  
"Everything's going to be alright Frankie. I can promise you that but only on one condition." He told me, his voice making it clear to me that he's extremely sad, worried and afraid. I sniffled and looked up at him, a little confused about him putting a condition into this.  
  
"What's that condition?" I asked him in wonder, my voice cracking and my throat burning because of crying too loudly.  
  
"I can help you Frankie but... But you need to open up to me. You need to tell me every little detail. What happened Frankie? We used to have no secrets between us. We used to tell each other everything and..." He sighed deeply, looking away from me presumably either to hold his tears back or gather his thoughts. "Why? Just... Why? Frankie, you know I love you and you're everything I have, right?" He asked me, making me nod.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry Gerard, I just... I never realized how I was letting secrets get between us. This is just..." I made a frustrated noise, slightly angry at myself because I couldn't express myself. "This is just so different. It's not like any other thing. I want to tell you Gerard... But to be honest... I'm scared. I can tell you though, only on one condition." I told him, making sure I choose the right words.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"You need to promise me that..." I frowned and tried to gather my thoughts. **How am I supposed to tell him this? Please don't think I'm insane? Please don't get anyone else involved in it, like a therapist? Please just...** I sighed and decided telling him openly was the most accurate way of saying it.  
  
"I'm scared that you're gonna make me go to a therapist. You have to promise me not to." I told him even if it took so much out of me to do so.  
  
At first he looked a little surprised, then a frown formed on his face and he looked out the window to the busy city. As I gave him time to think, I let myself get lost in his face. His hazel eyes looked greenish and his cheekbones stood out as the sunlight caressed them. His jet-black hair looked a lighter shade and his pale skin looked more yellowish, almost golden. I reached out to brush a strand of hair out of his face, making his gaze turn back to me. He looked hesitant as he tilted his head to the side, his strict frown never leaving his oppositely soft face. **I wish I knew what you were thinking of.**  
  
"I promise." He finally answered, extremely worried and hesitant. "Now tell me. Please. Frankie please." He begged, probably deciding to forget about his hesitance because he was about to hear what he had wanted to know for so long.  
  
I took a deep breath and braced myself.  
  
"Where should I start, how can I explain?" I wondered out loud. "It-it started a while ago, I guess. Life changed, it looked so dull and... Dark. It felt like life was a road and I was just running in circles on it, like I was never... Never reaching somewhere. Only running in circles. Then I realized I lacked love. You know that you're my only friend and my only family. I felt the need to escape. I tried lots of ways to escape but... I couldn't, then it all started feeling like I was trapped in a small room with no doors. I realized I couldn't escape, so... I built myself a whole new world. A world in my head, where I could find love and peace. Where I had the perfect lover the perfect job and just... The perfect life." I frowned and started questioning myself. Was it really the perfect life? Or was it... "The perfect lie." I hissed, the words literally dripping from my mouth like venom and splashing onto the ground, shaking the room with a gloomy silence.  
  
"I used to be trapped in the real world but now I'm trapped in my own lies." I reconnected our long-ago-broken gaze, looking right into Gerard's eyes.  
  
"I'm losing my own game."


	4. Chapter 4

He looked at me. He just watched me. His face had no emotion and he didn't move at all.

 

I felt like a monster.  **I should have known.**  I sighed and turned away from him.

 

"I-I... Frankie... I'm speechless." He whispered, breaking the sharp and tense silence. I nodded in understatement, still looking away from his beautiful, yet emotionless eyes.

 

After a few more minutes of awkward silence, he reached out and covered my hand with his, giving it a squeeze. My gaze instantly turned to our hands then to his face which had a worried frown fixed on it. I was about to ask him about what he was thinking about but he cut me off by literally jumping on top of me and wrapping his arms around me tightly.

 

One of his hands went straight for my waist, pulling me as close to him as possible and the other one went to the back of my head, tangling in my hair. I buried my head in the crook of his neck, breathing in his comforting scent. He squeezed me and petted my hair, never letting go of my waist, just cradling me safely in his arms.

 

"Everything will be alright. Everything. Frankie..." He whispered. He sounded even more broken than I was and was talking like he was trying to convince himself more than me.

 

Nevertheless, his words never fail to make me feel better.

 

"You promise?" I whispered, raising one of my hands which were squished between us up to the back of his neck to play with a strand of hair.

 

"I do. I'm gonna help you and everything will be alright. I promise you." There was an emotional and relaxing moment of silence where he just kept petting my hair and I kept playing with his.

 

"Why didn't you tell me earlier Frankie?" He asked me and I frowned. Why didn't I? Many reasons. He didn't wait for an answer anyway. "Maybe..." He whispered, hesitation lingering in his voice.

 

"Maybe I could have given you the love and care you lacked." He said bitterly, making it clear to me that he also finds guilt in himself too.

 

**Maybe I really should have told him earlier. Maybe it wouldn't be all this bad then. It's too late anyway. I can't change the past. No one can.**

 

***

 

"How does it feel? Like, do you feel it when it's coming?"

 

I looked blankly at my cereal and thought.  **Do I know when it's coming? I don't think so.**

 

"I don't think so. I just drift into it and when I'm out of it, usually, I'm at a whole different place and doing whole different things. Also, I can't remember what I do or what happens in the real world when I'm in that trance alike thing." I tried my best to explain him.

 

He looked deep in thought as he sipped his coffee, a frown on his face. I realized at that moment that it actually made me feel better to tell someone. It felt amazing to have him, my best friend, my brother, helping me with my problems no matter how depressing, complicated or even stupid they were.

 

"Do you think it happens after certain things or actions?"

 

"I think it usually happens after I wish I had a better life... Which happens a lot."

 

He sighed.  **He's finally starting to understand that I'm helpless.**  An inner thought told me and I started to panic. I didn't want him to give up on me even though I knew I was helpless.

 

I let my head hang low and my hands nervously play with a loose thread I found on the tablecloth. The silence stretched further and further. I have always hated nervous silences.

 

_"Frankie, baby... Why are you doing this to me? He asked me, his voice weak, broken and scarred._

 

_"What? I-I don't understand baby. Where are you?" I ask into the dark room as I finally manage to find the light switch._

 

_He was laying on our bed, his face buried under the pillows._

 

_"It hurts Frankie. Please... Please don't do it again. Please." He begged me, his voice cracking and letting me know that he's at the edge of tears._

 

_**What the actual fuck?**  I thought. Even my imaginary world wasn't good anymore which was supposed to be perfect.  **I lost control of my life and now losing control over my imagination? I don't fucking think so.**_

 

_I wasn't going to let my imagination control itself. It was my imagination and I needed to show it that only I controlled it. Only. I._

 

_"I don't understand what you are saying and we're not going to talk about it." I ordered him with a strict face._

 

_What happened next was completely unexpected._

 

_He seemed to flip off at my last sentence, the broken man was gone and he was replaced by a maniac in a matter of micro-seconds. He got up off the bed and threw me a satanic look, slowly but effectively walking all over me._

 

_My eyes widened and I backed myself but soon my back hit the wall. For a moment I wondered if I could be killed in my imagination and hoped I'd never get to learn that._

 

_"Don't fucking tell him. Stop. Stop!" He screamed right into my face._

 

I jumped in my seat, like one would after waking up from a horrible nightmare. I took in my surroundings and realized I was still on the same spot.  **Huh... Weird.**  Gerard's hand was on mine as his shining eyes were on my face, shooting me worried glances.

 

"Are you ok Frankie?" He immediately asked me when he saw me jump and took in my horrified face.

 

Confusion dawned on me again, thoughts bouncing and alarms going off in my mind.  **What the hell was that!?**  I panicked. It was the first time I had ever seen him so angry, he looked like he was about to kill me.

 

**But for what?**

 

I recalled what he had said, that single line driving me mad, replaying itself over and over again in my mind.

 

_"Don't fucking tell him. Stop. Stop!"_

 

I found myself trying to block his voice out in a pathetic way, putting my hand at the sides of my head, on my ears and closing my eyes tightly.  _"Don't fucking tell him. Stop. Stop!"_  I got up from the table, tried to find my balance but everything felt like they were coming towards me, it was getting hotter and there was a really bad ache in my head.  _"Don't fucking tell him. Stop. Stop!"_

 

"Frankie!" I heard Gerard yelling but his voice came from a really far distance even though I knew he was probably right next to me. I kept my eyes closed.

 

_"Don't fucking tell him. Stop. Stop!"_

 

I screamed out in frustration, lost my balance completely and soon found myself backed up to the wall behind me.

 

It was clear that he didn't like Gerard. I was so confused and I had so many unanswered questions again.

 

**How did he know I told Gerard?**

**Why was he so broken when I first saw him?**

**What will happen if I just keep telling Gerard everything?**

**Would he really kill me if I pissed him off enough?**

**What'll happen if I die in a non-existent world?**

**How am I going to explain all of this to Gerard?**

**God, why me!?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♠ ♠ ♠  
> Uh hi. I'm certainly not trying to make up for the last time that I couldn't update for a long time. Not at all.
> 
> As with the story, things actually just started ;)  
> I really hope it takes more than 7 chapters this time.  
> Does anyone even read this Author's Note !?
> 
> Ugh... Well if there are people that still read this story, Thank you. So so so much.


	5. Let it go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just cute fluffiness without any confusing imaginary boyfriends.

He held me wrapped up in his arms as everything slowly turned back to normal, the head ache, the voice, the sweating and the dizziness fading. The tension in my mind was still existent but I choose to ignore it. The cold coming from the wall and the floor made me shiver, in turn making Gerard hold me tighter who was crouched down next to me.

"Are you feeling better Frankie?" He sounded so different and it was my fault. The usual cheerful Gerard was gone and he was constantly worried.  **All my fault.**

"Yeah." I told him, barely above a whisper.

"Come on then, get up off of the floor. I don't want you catching a cold." I couldn't help but weakly smile at his carefulness.

With Gerard's help, soon I was off of the floor and on the couch instead. There was awkward silence again as I fought with my thoughts, not wanting to think anything for a while.

"Didn't I move when I was zoned out?" I asked Gerard, wanting to know how I acted when I wasn't aware of what I was doing.

"No, not at all. You just... Stared into nothing?" He sighed. "If I didn't know better I would just think you were deep in thought. I said your name once or twice but got no reaction and-"

"Did you tried nudging me?" I cut him off, talking really fast. I was desperately trying to learn if there was a way to get me out of it by outer force.

"What?" He looked dumbfounded for a while until it processed in his mind. "No. No, I didn't. It didn't even cross my mind." I sighed.

"Next time, I want you to try everything you can think of, ok?" I asked him, looking into his eyes for the first time since we sat on the couch. He nodded, looking deep in thought. I sighed again as I realized I still haven't told him about what happened.

As soon as the thought came into my mind, even though I was trying my best to avoid thinking, a war broke out in my brain again. All these battles with my own mind was already killing me and I was starting to loose my patience towards them.

My mind was literarily torn in two again, because it felt so great for him to know and try to help, half of me wanted to tell him but the other half of me was scared of what  _he_  would do.

I scooted closer to Gerard, purely because I wanted to feel safe. Gerard must have felt my anxiety because he took me in an embrace in a blink of an eye. He rubbed my back soothingly and took one of my hands in his.

"Do you want to tell me something?" He whispered in my ear, clearly trying his best to be encouraging and succeeding in it.

I tilted my head upwards and locked our eyes, desperately and quite pathetically trying to talk to him with my eyes. After spending a lifetime with me, Gerard knew how to read my eyes. He let go of my hand and caressed my cheek with it instead.

"Don't be scared." He murmured, sympathy glistening in his eyes. I sighed and decided to start slow.

"Gerard, something is so wrong." I stated, barely giving proper information.

Gerard's eyebrows furrowed as his eyes searched mine intently for hints. He looked at me expectantly, waiting patiently for me to continue. He pulled me closer by his arm around my waist and we ended up so close that I could feel his soft breaths hit my face.

"I think..." I started but couldn't continue because the closeness was making it hard to focus. Without meaning to I found myself bringing my hand up and running my fingers along Gerard's jawline. The line looked so familiar to me, like I had seen it before but then I had known Gerard for all my life.  **Still...**

"You think?" He asked, making me jump a little because I had totally forgotten about what I was saying before.

"Huh? I-I think, I'm..." I sighed, remembering everything again. "I'm losing control over my imagination." I confessed and broke the eye contact.

"Oh my god Frankie. Are you serious? Is that even possible!?"

"Of course I am serious Gerard! And... It seems like it is possible if you are me." I explained, hopelessly.

He didn't say anything for a while, turned away and just thought, a frown on his face. Today, his eyes looked more brownish and his hair was really messy, sticking up in different directions. I had always loved how he constantly maintains his natural look and natural actions and today, he was a little bit more natural than usual which kinda comforted me.

I heard him sigh heavily and he turned his gaze back to me.

"What happened? What did you see?" He asked. I was secretly hoping he wouldn't ask that question but now that he had I had to tell him, I refused to lie to him again.

"He was acting so strange. At first he was crying and looked so broken and because I didn't want him to act that way, I tried to control him but he got really angry with me. He doesn't like you all that much. I don't know why but he knows I'm telling you everything and he seriously doesn't like it. I'm... I think I'm scared of him Gerard. I mean what if he kills me!? Then will I die in the real world too!?" By that moment I was sweating again and all the panic was coming back to me. Gerard quickly squeezed my hand and tried his best to calm me down.

"Whoa whoa Frankie, calm down! No, of course you won't die! He can't do that and don't even think about those honey, don't you ever stress yourself out with thinking these." He told me sweetly and wrapped both of his arms around me, pulling me into a quick hug and pulling back way too soon for my liking.

I nodded mutely but my insides were buzzing with excitement and I didn't even knew why, it's just that whenever he called me 'honey' it made me feel like that. I guessed I just liked it so much.

"Do you want to go out?" He asked, out of the blue. He caught me off guard leaving me surprised. I giggled slightly when it processed in my mind.

"Where did that come from now?" I asked in between giggles, my mood instantly changing to a cheerful mood. He smiled at me big and bright, showing me almost all of his small baby teeth and chuckled.

"Well why not? I mean... It's a Sunday morning in the end, we should go out and maybe grab a coffee or... Um... Maybe uh... Just go somewhere? Make the best of the day?...Ugh, I mean... Err... if you want to of course... Um..." I completely lost it after that and cracked up. He sounded so funny almost like...

"Oh my god! Gerd, you sound like a school girl trying to ask her crush out!" I told him in between my laughter which he soon joined after my ridiculously true remark. Then he blushed.  _He blushed!_  It was so funny that my stomach ached after my laughter died down.

I realized that I was the happiest I have ever felt in a long time in that moment.


	6. Like old days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like some fluff and some violence in the same chapter.

I couldn't help the high-pitched giggle that escaped my mouth as we stepped into the house. Gerard suggested we went to the mall, so we did and as stupid as that sounds, it was probably the best day I had in a very long time. I had been so busy with shopping, Gerard's stupid jokes and just Gerard himself, that I didn't even had the time to drift into that crazy place that's my mind.

 

"So did you have fun?" Gerard asked, smiling widely as his eyes glistened with excitement and happiness.

 

"Yes!" I exclaimed, still giggling a little. I didn't know how he did that but spending time with Gerard has always made me feel and act like a child.

 

He laughed at my ridiculous behavior as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. As soon as his soft lips touched my skin, I felt my cheeks getting hotter. I didn't know why but it made me a little shy. He giggled again when he saw that I was blushing and kissed my cheek again, presumably in hopes of getting my cheeks redder than the already were. Well... It worked.

 

"Gerard! Stop it!" I whined as I ran away from him and threw myself to the couch. He chased me, threw himself on top of me and started tickling me.

 

"Gerard stop!" I squeaked in between my laughter and tried to run away from him.

 

Soon, he got tired too, so he stopped and just let himself lay on top of my chest. I sighed. I was so happy. It felt just like the good old days. When we were just kids. When all we did was having fun together. When nothing in the world mattered to us other each other. I had missed those days. I had missed...

 

"I missed you Gerard." I whispered as I let my fingertips slowly tangle into his black locks. He sighed contently in my arms as he caressed my neck with one of his hands.

 

"I missed you too Frankie." Normally people would think it was impossible to miss someone who you see everyday but we meant a completely different thing. We had missed the happiness, the cheerfulness and all the fun, laughs, giggles.

 

"You didn't even zone out this time, did you?"

 

"No, I actually didn't." I replied, a little surprised in myself.

 

I felt Gerard smiling into my shoulder as he hummed in a pleased manner.

 

"Maybe that's because you were too busy with shopping." He stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  **Maybe...**  I thought.  **But maybe...**

 

"Maybe I was too busy with laughing and having fun with you." I said and started blushing afterwards. He smile got bigger as he raised his head to look at me.

 

"Really?" He asked with a childish excitement in his voice and a glint in his eyes.

 

"Yeah." I whispered, looking right back into his eyes. He leaned in slowly and planted his lips to the corner of my mouth, probably because there wasn't enough room for him to reach my cheeks but in a creepy way, that kiss sent some confusing vibes through my body.  **No. That's just because I'm so confused with everything right now.**

 

I still smiled at him brightly though and giggled again.

 

"Gerard, can you stay here again tonight?" I asked him shyly. His smile never faded off of his face. I liked that a lot.

 

"Of course! It sounds way better than just going back to my apartment and spending the rest of the weekend alone and bored."

 

***

 

"I'll be out in a minute!" He called out right before I heard the bathroom door shut, soon followed by the sound of water running. I sighed as I collapsed on my bed, silently reached for my book after settling on a comfortable position and started reading. I wasn't on a really exciting part of the novel I was reading, plus I was so tired from the out-of-the-ordinary shopping activity that I didn't even realized falling asleep with my reading glasses on.

 

_It was dark again but I could sense his presence. I didn't knew where we were and didn't know what was going to happen, but I was sure I was scared._

 

_"What did I tell you Frankie?" I heard his voice echo in the room we were in, his tone sounded dark but calm and his sharp words sounded like they were spoken through gritted teeth._

 

_I didn't answer. I didn't know how to answer. I just held my breath and let the silence take over._

 

_I heard some shuffling which I made out as a chair being pushed and then some slow paced foot steps coming towards me. My instincts told me to run but I was frozen on the spot and I couldn't see anything in the dark._

 

_"What did I tell you Frankie!?" He asked again, this time raising his voice and making me jump at the sudden increase in volume._

 

_I could feel his breath on my face by that moment and he was still getting closer. I wrapped my arms around myself as my heart beat picked up and my breaths started coming out erratic._

 

_The more he walked closer, the more I backed away. Until my back hit something, signaling me that I had trapped myself in between him and god knows what._

 

_I didn't need to see his face in order to understand how angry he was. Heat was literally radiating off of him from being so angry and his breaths were short and deep._

 

_"I told you, not to fucking do it." He literally spitted out the words onto my face, making me jump a little again. I felt myself starting to tremble as I felt one of his hands come up to my neck. I panicked and tried to squirm away from him. In turn, he tightened his grip on my neck for a moment, saying 'don't even think of running away.' with his actions._

 

_"And what did you do?" He asked, decorating his tone with fake curiousness, turning things even more dark and mental then they already were._

 

_A few more moments passed in silence as I choose not to answer again. Sadly, that got him madder if that was possible._

 

_He shook me by my neck, not really choking me but still putting force into his grip._

 

_"Huh!?" He screamed into my face, obviously I couldn't get away with just silence._

 

_"I told him." I whispered. My voice was quavering with fear almost as much as my body was._

 

_"I'm sure you have realized you have done the wrong thing." He removed his hand from my neck and put it in my hair instead and pulled it forcefully as I screamed, more from fear than pain._

 

_"But, it's time you **see**  that you have done the wrong thing."_


	7. Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter full of Frank, his mind and his past.

_He dragged me by my hair, succeeding in navigating his way through the darkness somehow. I kept my mouth shut but I could still hear him grumbling about how stupid I was and how much he hated me. The worst part was that everything felt so sickly real._   
  
_He threw me on what I guessed was the floor. I didn't move but I could feel him moving around the room, bumping into things. Soon I could see a dim light in the corner of the room. That was when I realized we were in the middle of our living room. His eyes immediately locked with mine now that he could see me._   
  
_He walked painfully slowly towards me and his eyes never left mine. His eyes... They looked as though there was fire in them, I could almost see the revenge he was plotting, only by looking into them._   
  
_He straddled my waist, one of his hands held me by my jaw, which was big enough to cover the whole lower half of my face, while the other found it's way to my hair again. He pulled on my hair, not as hard as before but still enough to send waves of pain and shivers from fear through my body._   
  
_Leaning in closer to me he asked;_   
  
_"Do you regret it Frank? Do you regret you didn't listen to me now?"_   
  
_I wasn't going to answer him in any way but I still thought about that because I didn't knew the answer to it. Did I regret? **No.** I decided. **Gerard has always been my priority.** I frowned. If he was my priority, I realized, that I wouldn't be in the state I was currently in._   
  
_A sharp pain on the side of my face broke my trail of thoughts, snapping me right back to the moment._   
  
_"Tell me!" He growled, his hand still in the air threateningly. I didn't know how or why but the way he acted finally made me so mad and I flipped off, not even caring I was about to die anymore._   
  
_"No! Of course I don't regret! Gerard's always been much more important than you."_   
  
_He laughed. He laughed at me._   
  
_"Well than, why am I here huh?" He asked me, a smirk on his face. "Wasn't he the one who left you all alone and loveless?" He asked, emphasizing the words 'alone and loveless', almost spitting them on my face._   
  
_"No, it wasn't him. It was me who left him alone and loveless because I was **selfish** enough to create a **monster** like you!"_   
  
_He chuckled. I hated how he had all the control even when we were in **my** mind._   
  
_"If he was important to you why did you need me huh? Obviously he wasn't enough." He stated and ended his sentence with a teasing, underestimating chuckle._   
  
_Gerard has always been enough for me. Then why did I cut him out and created this fucked up world in my head? I honestly didn't know._   
  
_I guessed he was actually curious about the answer because he looked as though he was giving me time to think._   
  
_**Why? He could have made me feel loved why did I cut him out?**_   
_Maybe I wanted to be romantically involved with someone?_   
_Maybe facing my pathetic state felt too hard and instead of that I choose to try to find peace in my head?_   
_What was I even thinking?_   
_If I remember correctly;_   
  
_*Flashback to 1 year ago*_   
  
_The sobs felt like they were choking me and the tears felt like they were drowning me. I screamed out in frustration, my voice echoing in the empty room that was supposed to be my living room._   
  
_"You failed!" I screamed at myself angrily. "You failed again! What a surprise!" I knew that I was slightly loosing my sanity but I couldn't help it, I had failed in accomplishing my lifetime wish, what I had always lived for._   
  
_I cried more and more as the guitar stared at me strictly from the other end of the room. "Fuck you! What the heck are you looking at huh!?" I screamed at the object. It kept looking at me._   
  
_I raised an accusing, weak finger to it._   
  
_"You... I believed that you could save me." I paused, remembering my early teenage years and all the nights I spent dreaming of playing that exact guitar in front of millions of people. "I failed. Now I'm left with..." I raised my head to look around, to find something that was left but I found nothing at all. "Now I'm left only with you and your painful stare." I needed Gerard. I needed him to tell me that everything would be alright and that we'd get through this together._   
  
_I reached out for my phone but my hand froze halfway as I remembered I couldn't call him. I haven't been paying my phone bills for so long. My hands immediately went for my hair pulling on it while shouting out in frustration again._   
  
_I felt more tears streaming down my face. The silence was driving me crazy._   
  
_"I wish you were here Gerard. Where are you!?" I asked to thin air as a hiccup shook my body. I let myself fall slowly forward until I was lying flat on my face on the cold concrete. I needed to do something in order to fill the silence with something other than my sobs. Soon I found myself listing the things I did that day._   
  
_"I failed in music, I failed in finding a job, I failed in paying the bills, I failed in socializing, I failed in making friends, I failed to stay strong, I failed in another relationship, I failed... I-I failed!" I needed peace, any form of peace._   
  
_I rolled onto my back, looking at the dirty, white ceiling, trying to make out shapes in the cracked paint. That was when it first happened. I made him up, I imagined him as my never existent bands singer, my best friend, my lover. I imagined him with soft eyes and lips, I imagined him coming in the door that exact moment, comforting me and bringing me peace._   
  
_*End of flashback*_   
  
_I had needed it, it wasn't Gerard's fault, it was always mine for failing so many times in life. After all, I had made a mistake and the eyes which were full of anger and fire instead of soft and caring was the consequence I had to face._   
  
_"Huh, you don't even know, right? 'Cause you're that fucked up." He said as his hand snaked to my neck where he dug his nails to. My mind was drifting to Gerard again, I was wishing I could say goodbye to him._   
  
_I gave up hope. I braced myself to die. I closed my eyes tightly._   
  
_Until..._   
  
_"Open your eyes and look at me."_   
  
_I did as I was told looked at him._   
  
_Out of nowhere, maybe for the first time in years, my mind worked right and my eyes widened as I took in his face properly. My thoughts flew all around the room, all around reality and imagination, all around the thin line between the collision._   
  
_He wasn't **himself** , he couldn't be, he didn't exist. He was someone else and I was stupid enough to realize that when it was way too late._


	8. The Middle

_That face , that jawline, all those sweet moments we had in the past, all the traits I knew he had, has always belonged to someone else. As his hands snaked to my neck, I cursed at myself for being so blind all those times._  
  
 _They looked different from each other but he can be one person and one person only. A person who I see everyday, who I know so well, who is the closest I have ever been, who is the only one that can be as perfect as an imaginary man, who I loved all my life but was too blind and scared to face it._  
  
 _Gerard._  
  
 _Even though they looked nothing like each other, they still acted exactly the same._  
  
 _In my moment of depression and hopelessness one year ago, I must have imagined him in a different body but it was still clear that he was Gerard because no other than him can be as sweet as **he** used to be._  
  
 _I felt his hands tightening around my neck as he looked into my eyes, rage still burning like fire in them._  
  
 _"Take your hands off of me!" I choked out, thinking that maybe I had to figure him out in order to control him._  
  
 _He didn't take his hands off of me but something in his eyes did change. It was like a sparkle, a diamond in his fiery eyes, it glistened for a while before burning in the flames._  
  
 _It was getting so hard to breath and I knew I wouldn't last long._  
  
 _I closed my eyes and gave in. I felt a dark and heavy sinking feeling on my heart, as if I had lost a war. I felt tears rushing to my tightly closed eyes as his blunt nails dug on my raw skin._  
  
 _I tried to think happy thoughts but all I could think of was Gerard, the real Gerard. His blinding smile, his high pitched laugh, his baby teeth, his hilarious serious tone, his soft hair, his natural look, his angelic voice that seemed to be ringing in my ears... **Wait... His voice ringing in my ears?**_  
  
 _"Frankie! Frankie!" I could hear Gerard calling for me, his voice sounded so far away but I knew I was hearing it. I briefly thought if it was another sick game of my mind but I was too desperate to reach him to care if it was just a risky game again._  
  
 _"Gerard... Help me, save me." I whispered with the only air left in my lungs which felt like empty shells._  
  
 _I wanted- no, I needed a miracle to happen. I needed Gerard to save me again, I needed to see him._  
  
 _I kept my wet eyes shut and tried my best to ignore his hands clutching on my neck._  
  
 _"Breathe! Frankie, breath!" Gerard screamed, his voice was still distant but I could tell how desperate he was._  
  
 _"I-I can't." I stated. It came out almost inaudible but still I was fighting hard to breathe and talk, to hold on._  
  
 _As soon as the words left my mouth, his hands tightened even more around my throat, choking me really hard._  
  
 _I heard him making a painful noise like I was the one choking him. He leaned down next to my ear, he must have been fuming because I could feel heat radiating off of him again._  
  
 _"Shh! Fuckin' stop it!" He screamed._  
  
 _I wanted to see what was hurting him this badly but I refused to open my eyes and I wasn't sure if I could still open them anyway._  
  
 _"Open your eyes! Frankie!" Gerard called out to me again. This time his voice was getting closer, just a tad bit but still closer. His voice gave away his tears._  
  
 _"I-I-" I choked but I held on and sucked in as much air as I could. In hopes of loosening his grip my hands went to my neck, over his hands._  
  
 _"I-I can't." I breathed out. I was literally walking in the middle of the thin line of the collision, I was literally wandering just in the middle of the thin line of life and death, I was literally jumping in between Gerard and him._  
  
 _I heard another painful screech. **Maybe me holding on is hurting him...?**_  
  
 _"STOP IT!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, his voice croaked and his hands between my own and my neck twitched._  
  
 _"Don't give up Frankie, come to me baby!" Gerard screamed, I could clearly hear him sobbing, his voice was now as if he was right next to me._  
  
 _All so suddenly, a loud scream broke out in the room, his hands loosened, through my closed eyes, I saw a light beam just in time with a shattering sound._  
  
 _He kept screaming but I could hear other voices too, whispering voices. One of the voices sounded like Gerard's, one of them sounded like my mother, then there was my high school teacher, there were the voices of almost everyone I ever knew and crashing sounds._  
  
A one finale bang was heard, like a bomb exploding, in time with another bright flash of light and then all I could hear was quite sobs in silence. It all happened in less than a second, so I was quite dazed when I met the silence.  
  
I felt hands all over my body, caressing my face and holding me securely by my waist.  
  
I guessed it was Gerard who was holding me but I was too shocked and too scared to open my eyes and make sure.  
  
"Come to me baby, please." I heard Gerard whispering in between sobs. "Don't leave me all alone. I love you."  
  
I waited a few more minutes, letting the words process in my tired mind. I didn't know if it was sweat or blood or water or tears that made me feel wet but I was sure I was wet.  
  
"Gerard... Are you there?" I asked my voice shaking with fear and hesitance.  
  
He made a surprised noise like he didn't expect an answer.  
  
"Yes!" He exclaimed. "I'm here Frankie, don't worry, I'm here right next to you." He soothed.  
  
I immediately relaxed and sighed in relief.  
  
"Is... Is he gone?" I asked and probably sounded so insecure.  
  
"Yes, it's just us honey. You can open your eyes." He talked softly, sniffling while doing so.  
  
I cracked my heavy eyelids open slightly. He was there above me, a sad smile on his face as he held me in his arms and caressed me.  
  
I opened my eyes completely and wrapped my arms around him immediately as happy tears burned my sore eyes.  
  
"Oh Gerard," I couldn't help but burst into tears again as I clutched to him. He hugged me just as tightly and kissed my temple.  
  
"Frankie, baby, you scared me so much." He said as he let some more tears of his own fall too.  
  
"Gerard, I love you."  
  
"I love you too honey, I love you too."  
  
"B-but Gerard-" A set of sobs cut me off as more and more tears fell from my eyes. I wanted to tell him that I loved him in a different way but my tears just wouldn't let me.  
  
"Shh, Frankie, shh."


	9. Ashes Of Our Past

He laid me back down on the bed. It took some serious time for us to calm down and stop our tears. He leaned down and kissed my forehead as he whispered something that sounded like "Wait here.". He straightened up and went for the door but stopped when I called out for him desperately.  
  
"Where are you going?" I asked him. My voice probably gave away how panicked I was to see him go.  
  
"Don't worry, just gonna turn the lights and the tv off." I felt relieved over the answer but it panicked me more in a way too. I'd have to be all alone until he came back in the end.  
  
"Oh ok." I tried to control and change my tone to a calm one but, like always, failed.  
  
"I'll be back in a minute." He assured and took of running.  
  
I looked around the room as I tried to make myself believe that I wasn't afraid of being alone for a few minutes. The room wasn't dark but it was dimly lit by the bedside lamp and the street lamp just outside my window. I still haven't told Gerard about my feelings. I let the awkward and empty minutes fill themselves with thinking about how I was going to tell him. Come to think of it, there seemed to be no reason for him to like me let alone love me. **Oh! And one more _slight_ problem:** My mind reminded me. **He has never told me he is gay or he has never had a relationship with a man.**  
  
Just as he promised, Gerard came back quick. He got into the bed next to me and under the covers.  
  
I stared at him.  
  
"What?" He asked, noticing my stare.  
  
"A-Are we going to sleep?" I asked as my eyes went slightly wider with the thought.  
  
"Yes?" My eyes got completely wide this time.  
  
"But... But what if I dream of him!?"  
  
He sighed. Even though he looked troubled, he was still beautiful with his shoulder-length, jet-black hair casting soft shadows on his face. He straightened up a little and reached one of his hands to caress the side of my face.  
  
"Look, I know you are scared. Believe me, I'am too, but sooner or later you will need to sleep right?" He stated. His eyes, which gazed back into mine with such sympathy, were huge and shiny.  
  
I knew I had to face it but facing things has obviously never been my thing. Reminding myself this, I decided that I would face it and let myself sleep this time.  
  
"I believe you Frank."  
  
"Huh? In what?"  
  
"You can do it. You can control it. You can control _him_." I sighed deeply as I let myself sink down into the warm and  comfortable bed.  
  
"I hope so." I whispered.  
  
As soon as I slipped under the covers I felt him taking me in his arms. I cuddled into his neck and clutched onto his shirt as I pulled him close.  
  
Silence slowly took over... Just like my thoughts.  
  
 **Would he care if I died? I think he would because he looked so scared today. If I told him I loved him and he told me he didn't love me back, would it affect our friendship? I hope not because we are only left with each other in this earth since...** _it._  
  
*Flashback*  
  
"Mikey! Do you want to come out to the park and play with us?" Gerard asked his brother. I still couldn't get used to him having braces. His words came out so funny ever since he started wearing them.  
  
"No. Thanks Gee. I better stay here and help mom."  
  
"Aw, come on!" Gerard whined. "Fwankie's mom is here to help! You can come play with us!" He insisted.  
  
"I don't want to play."  
  
"Ok, ok. Come on Frankie, looks like Mikes wants to help mom pay the bills." We both giggled as Gerard pulled me out of the post office. We heard Gerard's dad calling out for us to stay safe before we exited.  
  
***  
  
I clutched onto my teddy bear with one hand and held onto Gerard tightly with the other.  
  
"Where are we going Gee?" I asked him as we got farther and farther away from the building.  
  
"I told you Frank, I know what I'm doing. You'll love it!" He exclaimed. To be honest, I was scared, but I trusted Gerard enough to let him keep dragging me. We went on and on until we heard it.  
  
A really powerful and loud boom echoed through what seemed like the whole city. We were both stunned as we looked back at the post office.  
  
It was burning.  
  
Bright red flames were flying into the gray sky like birds made of fire as we watched with our eyes wide and our mouths hanging open. It felt empty, I felt empty and numb. Tears fell down my eyes and I could hear Gerard sobbing as he held onto my hand.  
  
*End of flashback*  
  
I immediately cringed at the memory carved into my mind playing over and over again in there again after years.  
  
I shut my thoughts off completely. If _he_ taught me something, it was that I could never solve my problems in my head and that I had to talk about them in order to solve them. So, with the last drops of courage I had left, I decided to talk to Gerard.  
  
"Gee?" I whispered before he could ask me why I had cringed. He probably didn't need to ask after I called him with his old pet name anyway.  
  
"Would you care if I died?" I asked. My voice was dull and emotionless.  
  
He chuckled darkly.  
  
"Oh god. You've been thinking about _it_ again? And what the actual hell!?" He pulled away from me to see my face, which he took between his hands and squeezed.  
  
"Frankie, I thought you knew but I'm going to tell you again now. I would never, ever let anyone hurt you because I love you. I would never, ever lie to you because I love you. I would never, ever betray you because I love you. I would never, ever let you fuckin' die! Because I goddamned love you!" His eyes were wide and full with tears but he didn't let them fall.  
  
I bit my lip, surprised that he still cared about me that much.  
  
"I love you too." I stated. I knew that he knew that but I believed that always saying it back was important. I moved one of my hands over his, which still rested on my cheek. "So, you would never let anything ruin our friendship then, right?" I asked.  
  
"Of course I wouldn't." He was now much more calmer as he softly murmured.  
  
"What if... What if it was me whose ruining our friendship?" I couldn't look into his eyes, I was too embarrassed to. He looked at me some more as if he expected more.  
  
"What? I don't understand Frankie. How?" He pushed, wanting and probably deserving to know more.  
  
"I have to tell you something Gerard. It's important, ok?" I started in all seriousness I had.


	10. Opened My Heart

"Okay." He replied, looking as ready as he can possibly be to listen to me.  
  
I took a deep breath to try and calm my rapidly beating heart. Thankfully he never let go of my face, which still rested between his hands, because if he did I'd be panicking more than I already was. **Here we go.**  
  
"I know that you already know I love you but... It's different Gerard." I practically _forced_ the words out of my mouth, my  voice trembling as I did so.  
  
"It's not... It's not just brotherly love anymore." I whispered. I was dying for him to do something, encourage me to continue, change his expression, talk, scream, just _something_ that would hint on what I should do next. He didn't though. He just watched me. His face didn't show any emotion and he wasn't moving.  
  
His hands were still cupping both of my cheeks though. I raised one of my hands weakly as tears threatened to fall again. I held them back, put my hand on top of his and squeezed it tightly.  
  
"It... It burns Gerard. It burns my heart." I kept talking, I tried desperately to just get a reaction out of him. I snuggled closer to his frozen body.  
  
"Gerard... Gerard?" I sighed. I was losing my hope and I couldn't fight the tears anymore.  
  
"Gerard, please, say something." I begged, sniffling as tears started to silently fall down my cheeks.  
  
Either seeing me cry or hearing me beg made him slip out of his frozen state, I didn't knew which one but I was so happy to see him react somehow.  
  
"Is it... It it like... Boyfriend love?" He asked hesitantly.  
  
My heart felt like it was going to explode, like it was just going to burst out of my chest and into Gerard's graceful hands. I was completely speechless, I was tongue-tied. Words seemed to get struck in my throat, so I nodded helplessly.  
  
He searched my eyes intently. Obviously he was searching for something.  
  
"Since when Frankie?" His tone came out so surprised, like it was the last thing he thought I would say.  
  
"Well... A long time but I have been so blind."  
  
Silence. There was just some silence and intense gazing.  
  
I wished I could just know what he was thinking.  
  
I lost my patience after a while and gave up on him. I took my hand off of his and peeled myself off of his body. I was just about to get out of the bed so that I could go, cry in the bathroom in peace but he reached out and held me still in my place. To be honest, he caught me off guard with what happened next.  
  
"I love you too. In the same way." He whispered.  
  
Still facing the opposite direction from him, I froze. My eyes went wider and my heart beat picked up again, making my breath hitch.  
  
Slowly, I turned to him. This time it was my turn to search his eyes. I needed to know he was genuine in his word and he didn't just say that because he pitied me. His eyes glistened as he looked back at me expectantly. I scooted closer to him again.  
  
"But... I don't understand. You never told me you were gay. You aren't just saying that because you pity me, right?" I asked him. I couldn't control my heart; it was still beating so fast and all I wanted to do was rip it out of my chest so that I could maintain a calm and serious state.  
  
"Of course I'm not saying that because I pity you. They are such meaningful words Frank. I would never do that. I never told you I was gay because I'm not. I'm bisexual. I've never dated boys before because there's only one boy I ever want to date and that's you."  
  
I watched him speak, with my eyes wide, from the other end of the bed. I couldn't believe my ears. **Was he always _that_ deeply in love with me? Was I always _that_ blind?**  
  
"Gerard, I-" I cut myself off and shook my head, brining my hand up to cover my mouth and barely holding my tears. I was in a loss of words. I was so happy I felt like I was on the clouds, like I was flying.  
  
"Come here." He whispered as he opened his arms wide for me. He was biting his bottom lip and he had some happy tears pooling in his eyes.  
  
I scooted closer to him more and snuggled into his waiting arms, which took me in an embrace instantly.  
  
No words were needed; it was quite clear we were both so desperate for each other from the way we clutched onto the other.  
  
After minutes that felt like hours, he pulled away just slightly to kiss my forehead. Pulling away again enough to look me in the eye, he moved one of his hands to my hair. I realized that I haven't felt as relaxed as I was in that moment in a very long while.  
  
He cracked a small smile, making me know easily that he was also thinking of the same thing. He pushed a strand of my hair away from my face and let his hand fall down on my cheek. I smiled back at him as I tried to pull him even closer. I wanted to be closer to him but we were already so close. **But...** Without intending on it, my gaze fell on his slimy, cherry red lips. **That'd be closer.**  
  
As soon as realized I was staring at his oh-so-kissable lips, I hastily turned my gaze back to his face just to see his cute smile replaced by a smirk.  
  
I cursed at myself inwardly as I felt my cheeks burning. His thumb on my face still ran in careful circles nonetheless.  
  
"Do you want to...?" He asked, getting over the fun part of the situation and putting on a serious tone and expression. I was embarrassed by my stupid mistake and felt like I was going a little too fast but I knew for sure that I wanted to, so I nodded.  
  
"No need to be embarrassed." He whispered, already moving closer.  
  
He inched his face closer to mine, letting our breaths mingle together as he raised his other hand to my face too. Not knowing what exactly to do, I just waited. He closed his eyes and let his lips softly brush mine for a brief second. At first I thought that kissing him would feel weird after all that happened but as soon as our lips touched, I knew it wasn't weird and it was the right thing to do.  
  
Even that brief second was enough to take all my breath away but his soft, sweet lips just brushing onto mine for such a short period of time was nowhere near to satisfy my need for him.  
  
I quickly unwrapped my arms from around his waist and situated one of them on the back of his neck and the other on the back of his head, tangled into his long, dark hair. With my new position, I easily pulled his lips back onto mine, this time not only brushing them but pressing them together.  
  
He gasped into the kiss, he probably wasn't expecting it. I let my lips move against his slowly and meaningfully. In all my predictions, I was right; his lips tasted like cherries.  
  
Humming at the back of my throat at his taste and the way he was kissing me, I pressed a little bit harder onto his lips, resulting in him moaning quietly. I felt his legs under the sheets tangling with mine as he pressed just as hard onto my lips.  
  
I pulled back, wanting to stop before I lost my whole self control.  
  
We were both so breathless and stunned by the amazing kiss and we were both smiling like fools.  
  
"Come on, we need to sleep." He told me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my temple.  
  
I had long forgotten about my fears of sleeping and hummed contently before finally falling asleep in the arms of my one and only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, I hope you liked the kissing scene :3 (they finally kissed xD )


	11. Still A Nightmare

I felt the sunlight softly caressing my face and my still closed eyelids. I groped around the bed for Gerard and tried to wake up properly. All I could think of was our kiss. It had felt so special, intimate and passionate, and also, the cherry taste of Gerard's lips was so sweet that I couldn't take it away from my mind.  
  
Humming a little, I cracked my eyes open. I couldn't see him around but I guessed that he was in the kitchen judging by the fresh coffee smell.  
  
I laid in the bed for a while, just replaying last night in my head and smiling to myself. Finally, I decided to get up, so that I could see Gerard's beautiful face.  
  
"Good mornin'." I mumbled sleepily as I leaned into the doorframe of the kitchen door.  
  
His head snapped to me immediately. A small smile etched onto both of our faces upon seeing each other.  
  
"Good morning." He replied. "You were sleeping like a log." He giggled and I couldn't help but join him.  
  
"I'm guessing you tried to wake me up." I leaned my head into the doorframe and crossed my arms as I watched the sunlight bathe Gerard; smoothing out his lines and sparkling in his green-from-the-light eyes.  
  
"Yeah, kinda." He said as he blushed a crimson red. Arching one eyebrow, I giggled.  
  
"What's so embarrassing?"  
  
"I might have tried to wake you up by kissing you." He mumbled as his eyes darted away from mine.  
  
I bit my lip to try to stop the huge smile on my face from forming but it didn't help much. Blushing too, I tore myself apart from the doorframe and walked to the island counter in the middle of the room, where Gerard was seated.  
  
"You could try again. Maybe?" I whispered timidly. I moved one of my hands on top of his busy-with-nervous-fidgeting hands, making him turn his head slowly up at me.  
  
He looked dumbfounded at first but then he seemed to get what I meant and he got up from his seat excitedly.  
  
We both leaned in and let our lips collide in a short intense kiss. His mouth worked on mine smoothly as his hands snaked around my waist and pulled me close. I let my hands hang loosely on his hips as I kissed back, tasting the coffee along with the cherry this time.  
  
He hummed contently and pulled away. For a moment he looked like he just remembered something.  
  
"Did you have a good sleep?"  
  
I knew what he meant immediately by his tone. His question seemed like an innocent question from the first look but what he actually meant was "Did you see _him_ again?"  
  
 **Seriously, what happened to him? Did he die? Has he finally left me alone? Is he still fucking with my head? Maybe I just didn't dream of him because I was too tired and too caught up in Gerard and I to do so. I'm hoping he's gone though.**  
  
"Yeah. Don't worry. I had a good sleep. What about you? Did you sleep well?" I asked changing the topic from myself.  
  
"Yeah. I had one of the best sleeps of my life." We both laughed.  
  
*** 1 week later ***  
  
 _It was cold but I kept walking on the stone path as I clutched the candle tightly in my hands. There were so many gravestones. I looked at all of them until I found the one I was searching for. It was on the far end of the graveyard, in a dark corner right under a willow tree. Even though I visited the graveyard every night, I still had trouble finding **the** grave sometimes.  
  
Everything was black and white, so dull, except the crimson red roses in my hands.  
  
The word "Loving-" was engraved onto his grave. I guessed he loved nothing, and nothing loved him so they cut the sentence out right after that word.  
  
I dropped the roses on the dry earth just in front of it.  
  
"What did you do to me?" I heard his voice whispering with the wind.  
  
"Whatever happened to you, it's all your own fault." I said as I made my way towards the gates.  
  
As soon as I turned my back to the grave, I found myself face to face with **his** hovering, glowing, transparent body. I knew that he couldn't touch me anymore since he was a ghost, but it was still creepy and scary to be right in front of him.  
  
"Why Frank!? Why?! Why did you create me if you were going to kill me like this!? huh!?" He asked through gritted teeth. He backed me up until I had my back to the gravestone and had nowhere to escape.  
  
"Beware Frank. Beware." He said as black tears fell from his dead eyes and he faded away into thin air._  
  
The room was still dark when I woke up from my dream. I immediately shuffled closer to Gerard, wanting to forget about _him_ and feel safe. Even though I knew he couldn't come and get me in the real world I still felt like his ghost form was right behind me and was constantly watching me.  
  
A shiver ran down my spine as I felt like his eyes were boring into my back again. I nudged Gerard softly, whispering his name.  
  
"Hmmm?" He hummed sleepily, translating into "What's wrong?".  
  
"Gerard, I had a nightmare again." I whispered. Honestly, I was a little embarrassed of myself for acting like a child, but I couldn't help it and Gerard had said, I should let him know whenever I had another nightmare.  
  
"Oh baby, not again." He mumbled. He instantly turned to me and wrapped his arms around me.  
  
"Just remember that he can't get to you when I'm here, okay?" He soothed.  
  
I nodded into his chest.  
  
***  
  
"What do you think we can do to stop them?"  
  
 **Is there even a way to stop them?**  
  
"I don't know." I replied.  
  
He sighed deeply again and pulled me even closer into our embrace.  
  
"At lest it's not as bad as it used to be." I murmured and felt him nod over my shoulder in response.  
  
"I think I should quit my job." I stated, kinda out of the blue.  
  
He made a surprised noise.  
  
"If you really want to and if you're sure about it, okay. But why? I thought you liked it."  
  
"I've never liked it actually and I've just been thinking about quitting that's all." I replied as I pulled back from our embrace.  
  
"I just want to go back to trying to achieve my dreams." A smile broke out on his face as soon as the words left my mouth. He smiled at me sweetly. **He knows me so well, doesn't he?**  
  
"So back to the bars and nightclubs, eh?" He asked, smirking a little.  
  
Breathing out a laugh, I looked down to my feet as the old memories made me feel a little embarrassed.  
  
"I think so. I have been thinking about these nightmares, how it all started and my life, and I've came to the conclusion that sculpting my life the way I want it to, and I have always wanted to, will help the nightmares to go away. Thinking back now, I know that I created all these things in my mind because I wasn't happy with my life, so putting my life back in track must be the only way out of this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's kinda filler-ish


	12. Start The Change

_**-warning: graphic scenes at the end.**_-  
  
"I'm not sure. What can it be?" I asked in a wondering tone.  
  
I threw some strawberries in my mouth as I thought about what I have always wanted to change in my life.  
  
"Well?" Asked Gerard, clearly impatient.  
  
"There was me being so stupid and naive in high school, but we can't change it. There was the time I lost my virginity, but we can't change that too."  
  
I saw Gerard cringing just after the world 'virginity' left my mouth. **He probably still remembers how much I cried after that.**  
  
"I know that we can't literally change that, but if you _believe_ , we may be able to make it better."  
  
Arching a single eyebrow at him, I threw some more strawberries in my mouth.  
  
"I don't think I understand what you're talking about Gerard." I told him, shaking my head slowly.  
  
He made an uncomfortable noise and blushed. He moved his chair closer to mine and covered my hand with his own ever so slowly.  
  
"You know... If you want to..." He whispered.  
  
For a moment I sat there dumbfounded, trying to understand what he was saying.  
  
My eyes widened as I finally understood what he meant. **He's suggesting sex!** Panic covered my whole mind instantly.  
  
Gerard must have felt that because he immediately started comforting me about it.  
  
"Don't panic though! It's okay. We don't have to. I just thought that maybe it would help. I would never force you into something you don't want to do!"  
  
There was a short lived silence as I thought.  
  
"I never said I didn't wanted to. I'm afraid Gerard." I confessed.  
  
With a hand under my chin he raised my head, knowing well that it'd be hanging low if he hadn't raised it.  
  
"Do not hang your head like that baby. I like seeing your beautiful face." My face went even redder after his genuine compliment. "What are you afraid of?"  
  
I bit my lip and hoped that he would understand.  
  
"You want the honest answer, right?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Okay." I sighed. "What if... What if we can't work this out? Don't get me wrong! I mean, what if we fight over something so stupid and-" I was talking as fast as humanly possible and Gerard looked like he was having some difficulty understanding me. He cut me off, presumably fed up with my ramblings.  
  
"Ok, ok! I understand Frankie. I understand _just_ what you mean. You're afraid of loosing our friendship, am I right?"  
  
"Yes. Yes, you are deadly right." I replied. I was kind of relieved that he understood me.  
  
"Look Frankie, you're my whole life. Nothing, I repeat, _nothing_ can ever ruin our friendship."  
  
A smile spread across my face and I threw myself on Gerard, sending us both to the floor. I leaned down, kissed his lips and hoped that he gathered that I have accepted his offer.  
  
When I pulled away he was smiling back at me just as wide as I was. I giggled a little at the childish glint in his eyes.  
  
"Okay, but it's still too early in the morning for that." I said, still giggling a little.  
  
Laughing along with me, Gerard said:  
  
"Okay. I can wait as long as you wish."  
  
I bit my lip. **I'm so lucky to have this sweet guy.** I thought, feeling so happy for the first time in a really long time.  
  
Soon, we got up off the floor and trailed to the living room to watch television.  
  
***  
  
"Are you sure there isn't any other things you would change?" Gerard asked completely out of the blue.  
  
I was sort of into the show we were watching, so it took quite some time for me to understand what he was talking about.  
  
"I'm sure there are other things." I replied as I started thinking again. I needed remember all my promises to myself, all my regrets and see if I could do anything about them, and that certainly wasn't easy.  
  
"Actually, there are lots of things, but majority of them can't be changed. If I try to think of things that I can change: I want to become a more positive person, I want to get over my fear of being alone, I want to achieve my dream of becoming a rock band guitarist, I want to..." I trailed off, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed of my thoughts. "I want to be so happy with you." I whispered.  
  
"Aw, Frankie. We will be so happy together. That's for sure." He assured as he inched his face closer to mine.  
  
Soon, his lips were on mine. They softly caressed my own ones and his hands sensually moved onto both of my cheeks. He kissed me with so much love and passion every single time, it made me feel like I was on the clouds.  
  
For the first time ever, I felt him licking my bottom lip, wanting entrance into my mouth.  
  
I gasped into the kiss and he took advantage of that by letting his tongue enter my mouth. I felt his tongue wandering in it, learning it. I couldn't help but moan at the pleasurable feeling and pull Gerard even closer to myself.  
  
Deciding to play along, I moved my tongue to dance with his. I heard him whine into the kiss as I swirled my tongue around his. His hands moved to the back of my head and pulled it closer, letting the kiss get even deeper and making us both moan at the same time.  
  
The blood was already rushing south with our heavy kiss, and knowing what we had planned to do earlier in the morning wasn't helping at all.  
  
Gerard must have felt that, because he soon moved one of his hands to my chest and stated rubbing circles into it, going further and further down with each circle.  
  
My breath hitched and I pulled away when his hand reached just above my hips. He looked at me, as if asking permission with his eyes. I nodded at him slightly, just enough to let him know it was okay. Before turning his attention back to my lower half, he gave me a sweet smile and a soft peck on the lips.  
  
His hand slid down agonizingly slow. When it finally reached the front of my pants, I let out a huge breath that I haven't even realized I was holding. He rubbed his hand over me ever so softly and looked up at me.  
  
His eyes were huge with excitement and full of love. I whined at him. I needed more of him. I needed _him_.  
  
He seemed to understand me on an instant again and probably realized we couldn't go any farther on the living room couch, so he got up off of it and pulled me up onto my feet too. His lips attached themselves to mine again as he tried to direct us to the bedroom and keep kissing me at the same time.  
  
Pathetically moaning, I held onto him and let him lead me through my apartment. We stumbled across a lot of things and knocked some things over, but after quite a struggle, I found myself showed against the bedroom door.  
  
Gerard broke our messy kiss and pulled away to open the door. He stopped suddenly in the middle of the room and turned back to me. Surely, I was really eager and couldn't wait, so I whined at him again, making hand gestures for him to be quick. He seemed to have other plans though.  
  
"Don't rush it baby. We have all night."

**Author's Note:**

> ♠ ♠ ♠  
> Hello everyone! welcome to my new story!
> 
> If you haven't gathered the bold ones are Frank's thoughts and the italic ones are his imaginary world.
> 
> So, basically I got the idea from myself. I have an imaginary world yeah... :/  
> I'm not addicted to it though! XD I'm aware I have a life.
> 
> Whatever. You can also check out my other story:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/1108287/chapters/2230546
> 
> Don't forget to let me know what you think of this story in the comments section :)
> 
> Thank you for reading!  
> :3


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